If the world had to take sides, I hope Donald Duck would be on mine. The alternative would be for him to NOT be on my side. In a dark alley, I would probably be more scared of an angry talking duck wearing a shirt with no pants than stumbling across a drug transaction. Unless, of course, the subjects of the drug transaction weren't wearing any pants. Perhaps I would also be more fearful if the transaction subjects had guns. Maybe Donald Duck isn't so scary. I would never be walking down a dark alley anyway.
I do think that Donald Duck could help me get my money back if I had a return without a receipt. I have a stuffed Donald Duck that would probably be good enough. Next time I'm at Wal-Mart and I have a return, I'll ask politely for my money back. If refused, I'll pull out my stuffed Donald Duck and stick him on the counter. THAT should instill a deathly fear in the clerk!
"I will destroy you!"
I could already picture it in my head. A poor, young Wal-Mart employee will start thinking about the life he hasn't fully lived yet. He sees flashes of his life. He should have never broken up with his high school sweetheart to for her mother. He knew it would have never worked out. Now he's all alone, and if he didn't hand over my $46.78, he was going to die alone at the hands of a plush toy. He gives me my cash.
With everything I love about that half-naked duck, I do admit that I could live without the duck accent. If he were my friend, I would suggest speech therapy. Then maybe humans would stop imitating him. "Duckman" on Visalia City Bus 1B would have to find a new gimmick, instead of impersonating Donald for the entertainment of no one but himself.
I've definitely been humbled by public transportation lately. I used to think I was the most amazing person in the world because I had a car and city bus passengers needed to bow down to me. Well, the car that made me so holier-than-thou has been dead in my driveway for a month. We'll get it fixed...eventually. It's kind of hard to drive it over to the shop when it doesn't run AT ALL. I refuse to pay for towing. No WAY, no HOW! In the meantime, I ride the bus.
It's not necessarily horrible. I enjoy the fact that I have a semester pass to go anywhere in town and not have to contribute my funds to the rising prices of gas. Most of the time, the ride is pleasant. On one particular day, however, it wasn't.
It started the day before when I took a trip to dd's Discount's for a minor splurge with the little bit of extra money my husband and I had. In the distance, I saw exactly what I wanted. They were hot pink and black houndstooth iHip headphones.
$7.00!!!
No one could stop me from getting this beautiful deal! Well, unless I knew at the time that Snookie endorsed the brand.
The next day, I walked to the bus stop sporting my giant headphones, and I felt like the SHIZNIT! I was TOTALLY Hip Hop, and nobody knew that I was listening to the theme song to The Greatest American Hero!
I was in my own little world until "Mr. Inappropriate" entered the bus. He started by sitting near me and gestured me to take my headphones off. I pondered that moment. Would it be rude to take my headphones off for someone who was rude to take me out of my world? I took them off to be the better person.
"You have big headphones." he explained to me. Did he not think I knew that?
"Yes, yes. They are big." I agreed.
"You also have big hips." he also told me. Did he also not think I knew THAT?
Did he really just say that? I asked myself. Where is he going with this? And...can I put my headphones back on now?
"Men must always be hitting on you." he continued.
"Well, not really." I told him as I held up my left hand, revealing my wedding ring. "I'm married, so...yeah. No one hits on me."
All of a sudden, another guy sitting in the front chimes in. "I'd still hit on you!"
What is going ON here?!?! Please, God, PLEASE make this bus go faster!
As we all know, nothing is ever brief in a moment of awkwardness.
"I've dated married women." Man in the Front tells me.
With every bit of passion I had for my morality, I declared "Well, then the women you dated shouldn't have been married!"
Ugh...he explained. Good LORD, he explained! He told me how women need security in marriage, but still want to have fun. Apparently, in this particular alternate universe, security and fun are two separate entities.
I wanted to shout that I am secure and happy with my husband. He rides a cool bicycle and looks like James Dean. We have a fire pit and have fires every other night and like to burn important documents and books we hate. We leg wrestle while laying in bed (something everyone should try) and we dance to the 877-CASH-NOW commercial. He would never say I have "big hips". That would have fallen on deaf ears, though. Those guys didn't care that I was happy. And the bus finally reached my destination.
I stepped off the bus and wanted to kiss the ground! Mr. Inappropriate and Man in Front were going farther and farther away. And if I ever happen to see either one of them again, or if anyone else tries to get my attention on the bus, my headphones will stay on.
The next day, I switched back to my regular ear buds.
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